pocket of desperation

I am very thankful for God's grace. He loves me in spite of myself and all the many deep faults in my heart. I weary myself disliking so much that is within me. I want to change, need to change... It feels like an incredible and very uncomfortable pressure building in my mind and body. I begin to bow my head to the Lord...i feel the emotion welling up inside of me....He begins to dig down into my heart. My heart is like a mine, there are pent up pockets of dangerous gas waiting for the miners drill to penetrate through the hard layers. In a real mine if one of these pockets are opened and there is a spark there will be a mine explosion.
He drills into my pocket of desperation. His spark ignites these deepest frustrations of my being. I explode from deep within saying help me Lord, save me Lord, and oh please change me Lord. A few tears flow, I feel hope and a release of pressure. The pocket of desperation has fulfilled its intended purpose in moving me closer to God. I can already feel the pressure building in other areas of my heart.

Psa 51:8 Oh, give me back my joy again; You have broken me—now let me rejoice.

Rom 7:24 Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?
Rom 7:25 Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.

I don't want to be a big shot

Loving my family, friends, neighbors and fellow humans is what I think of as being spiritually powerful...Love is about making a name for someone else. It is about helping your neighbor to the front of the line before you get there. Love. Now there is the power of God.

Raising the dead, healing the sick, moving mountains is not what i think of when powerful comes to mind. ......Being heard, being raised up, being a mega church mega man mega whatever is a human desire. So many times (but not always) a misguided self indulgent desire. I know this from personal experience. This is the dream of many i know and have known too.
I think God's dream is for me to love Him and other people.

Being the least in your own estimation is not such a bad thing......Make God and others the most. I guess I am pretty much cured of wanting to be a big shot.

Php 2:3 Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.
Pro 27:2 Let someone else praise you, not your own mouth—a stranger, not your own lips.

Is Being Weak So Bad?

My wife suggested I do this so when I die, (uh huh) My Kids can read my musings...well Okay!
Well one great revelation I have had in life. I am not so great. I see many people who are a whole lot better than me. This actually inspires me to want to change and I think that is a good thing. I try to find good qualities in other people and try to buck the natural tendency to criticize. Seeing the depths of my shortcomings inside my true self really helps me do this.
I am not a hopeless case just kinda hapless. I am really enjoying learning my weaknesses (a few at a time or i might get really down)...anyway i do enjoy not pretending to have it all together..I think God likes it too....

"'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.'

"Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10